by Jean Copeland
Hi, I’m looking to buy a military grade armored combat vehicle for use driving on Interstate 95 in Connecticut. That highway is so dangerous, and I feel like it’s my constitutional right to protect myself and my family (a cat) while driving on it mostly for pleasure because I don’t really have to drive on it for anything else. The law says that I am allowed to drive a motor vehicle, so that means I should be allowed, by law, to drive anything that will keep me safe, no matter how over the top.
I know it may sound strange that I’d want to drive a Sherman tank to the mall when an SUV is safe and reasonable, but to be quite honest, a tank is just cooler than an SUV. And I like to have and play with cool things. I really don’t think there needs to be any extra special regulations on accessing a tank, especially something like a mental health review that might make me have to wait an extra week or two. Regulations are for suckers. My state-issued driver’s license should be enough because I’m a law abiding citizen, and tanks don’t kill people. People kill people.
And yes, while an accident in a tank is guaranteed to kill way more people than a regular passenger vehicle would, I don’t care. I didn’t tell you to drive a Smart car or a douchie little Mazda Miata. If you want to be an environmentally conscious snowflake tree-hugger who drives an energy-efficient vehicle, that’s your problem not mine. Don’t tread on me with your tiny little tire treads.
Another reason I need this tank is because of all the bad drivers out there. If we make it illegal for ordinary citizens to drive Army tanks on the highway, then all the bad drivers out there who are getting them illegally, from straw purchases, 3D printers, or more likely, the ghetto, will be safer than us, and we can’t have that, not in the good ol’ USA. Try to see it my way: When a good guy pulls up to a supermarket in a tank, we’re all safer. He could crash his tank into a bad guy’s tank and stop the bad guy from mowing down innocent shoppers.
Hopefully, my elected representatives in congress will do their jobs and follow the recommendations of the NTA, National Tank Association, to ensure that tanks are readily available for anyone to own and operate. No need to consider statistical data or how many Americans think it’s a dangerous idea. F*ck their feelings.
So if you know where I can legally purchase a Sherman tank or some other make of deadly armored combat vehicle capable of mass death and destruction because I’m a law-abiding American, can you please message me? I’d love it in pink if that’s possible. Oh, and it would be great if there’s a place on the back to put my “Let’s Go Brandon” bumper sticker and my big rubber nut sack.
Thank you and God bless.
Jean Copeland 