Like many Americans disheartened by the 2016 presidential election, I’m struggling with the dilemma of being a proud American while being profoundly against supporting a man who unabashedly disrespects women and minority groups, namely the one I belong to, the LGBT community. This conflict is especially complicated since elections fall so closely to Veteran’s Day. I’ve had to do some serious soul-searching over the last few days, contemplating my options for remaining true to my values while not coming off as a whiny martyr or worse, un-American.
The solution I’ve come up with for all of us disenfranchised Patriots offers a bipartisan win-win situation and even originated from the manifesto of the VP-elect himself, Mike Pence! Here’s how it works: When the Trump-Pence administration takes the reins in January and starts making America great again by marching us slowly, insidiously toward a Theocracy, I will stand proud as an American and a newly avowed Christian. Yes, you read this right–this unabashed spiritual but non-religious lesbian will officially begin identifying herself as a Christian. Now let my clarify… I won’t claim to be a true Christian. True Christians have true hearts and no interest in doing harm to anyone under any circumstances. They observe their religion and leave everyone else alone. I’m going to become a Po-lit-i-Chris-tian: Noun. One who uses religion to further political and/or bigotry agendas, (think Kim Davis). Once I make this proclamation, I’m free to use the loophole Pence himself established with his “First Amendment Religious Freedom Act” to my advantage. Once Trump signs it into law, any Christian can invoke it whenever they want to legally discriminate against members of the LGBT community. My TV announcer voice: Does baking a wedding cake for gays rock your spiritual foundation to its core? Does keeping a Trans person on your company’s payroll make you quake in fear of the wrath of God? Will renting your vacant apartment to a family with same-sex parents condemn your immortal soul to an eternal fiery hell? Then simply invoke your First Amendment right to religious freedom, and you won’t be forced to damn your soul by having to treat LGBT folks with dignity and fairness.
Now, how will this blatantly discriminatory act benefit me, a formerly self-proclaimed non-religious lesbian feminist? Simple. By calling myself a Christian (politi-christian), I grant myself the right to discriminate against someone if I believe their behavior is an abomination to my moral sensibilities. It’s genius, really. I will be free to speak out against President-elect Trump without fear of being harassed by conservatives who will rage at me for being Unpatriotic, Un-American or worst of all, Liberal. Here’s why: As a Christian, it infringes upon my faith to pledge allegiance to a man who: 1) Uses vulgar, sexual language in public, 2) has committed adultery at least twice, 3) has had two divorces, 4) has a First Lady who profited from posing for sexually explicit photos, and 5) has told a lie, a multitude of them.
Does it seem a bit hypocritical for a lesbian to become a “Christian” so she can justify judging and discriminating against someone? Yes. It doesn’t just seem a bit hypocritical; it is hypocritical, BIGLY hypocritical. However, hypocrisy doesn’t stop other Politi-Christians from judging people whose lifestyles don’t meet with their approval. Heck, even Christian VP-elect Mike Pence, who has an impressive record of judging and discriminating against his fellow LGBT Americans citing his deep religious convictions, didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation to stand side-by-side with a morally corrupt man as they rescue us from our “swamp” Congress and the moral swamp America has descended into in the past eight years as a result of President Obama forcing all that equality and inclusion nonsense on the states.
So, my fellow disillusioned Americans, fret no more with your conflict of conscience when you speak out against a president you do not believe in. In the time-honored tradition of conservative hypocrisy, you now have a loophole through which you can slither. And if people glut your social media pages with accusations and condemnations about how unpatriotic or anti-American you are for not supporting this immoral President, respond by invoking your Mike Pence-given First Amendment right to religious freedom and carry on with your day basking in the glow of self-righteousness. God Bless America!